My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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