if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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