so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
