Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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