I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
