btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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