Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
