giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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