I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
