i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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