Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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