Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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