Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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