Im at strip club and am horny
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
