I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This baby is an asshole
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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