hotel room ftw
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
