i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
