I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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