He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you never un-have a 4some
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
