Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
