just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
