dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
