i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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