i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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