The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
