So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
