I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
