Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
