I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
