Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
