I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
