one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
