I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
