we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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