I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
