oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
