mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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