Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my sisters under your porch take her home
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
