Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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