I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
