The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
