I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
