she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
