Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
