Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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