i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
