six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
