You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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