I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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