Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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