she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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