So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
